Things You Don't Want to Know About

To every Yin there is a Yang. To every Gog there is a Magog. Even as the Force had a dark side so does band. The real stories about why bands no longer use sarrousophones, the interval relationship among augmented fourths, diminished fifths and tritones, why professionals use fifth valves on tubas and just what a bombardon is anyway are far too ghastly to relate. Fear not, they are not included here. (People who have incautiously learned too much about sarrousophones often require years of psychological counseling.) But as a responsible adult band parent there are things that you should know about whether you want to or not.

Chronic Persistent Band Parent Syndrome
For some persons, a very small number to be sure, band parenting appears to be addictive. Doctors call this Chronic Persistent Band Parent Syndrome, CPBPS. The physiological and psychological reasons for this are not well understood by medical science. The dangers can be great. In some severe cases afflicted band parents in the terminal phase of this disorder have actually given up good jobs to become band directors themselves.

It is difficult to predict which band parents won't be able to stop. CPBPS clinics have opened in many metropolitan areas. In flashy radio and television advertisements these clinics claim to be able to pre-diagnose and treat CPBPS but their success rates are questionable.

To further obscure this issue the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta has refused to give CPBPS priority. The Bandmaster's Association has repeatedly stated that CPBPS doesn't exist and even if it does exist they deny that that would be a problem.

The CPBPS Working Group of The Band Parents' Institute has published a list of 10 warning signs of incipient CPBPS. Take this short quiz to determine if you are at risk.

1) Do you visit the band hall more than 5 times a week (7 during marching season)?

2) Is your cash contribution to the BPO the largest single charitable contribution listed on your Schedule A Form?

3) Are you constantly greeted by name in stores and restaurants, etc. by band members you do not recognize?

4) Have you been honored with an honorary membership in the local bandmaster's association?

5) Have you been mistakenly identified as a band director by strangers to the school.

6) Have you become the frequent object of jokes inspired by the movie "Mr. Holland's Opus"?

7) Do you get junk mail from Selmer, UMI, Leblanc, Getzen, Blessing, Boosey & Hawkes, etc.? Do you get mail addressed "To the Band Director" at your home address?

8) Did you spend more on your children's band instruments than on their orthodontics?

9) Do you know the difference between a euphonium and a baritone horn? Between a single and a double French horn? Between an oboe and an English horn?

10) Were you given this list of questions by a concerned friend or relative?

If you or a loved one answers "yes" to three or more of these questions then seek professional treatment immediately or as soon after marching season as possible.

Copyright 1996 by George Yenetchi

Copyright 1994. 1995, 1996 , 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2006 by George Yenetchi